Bullying Isn’t Just For Fifth Graders
There are days at work when all I can do is repeat a mantra: “I love my job.” I will repeat it over and over in my head, reminding myself why I stay there.
And the truth is, I do love my job. I love working with students, I have amazing student staff who do wonderful work and also help to keep me young. I love what my office does, and I love doing the work that I do. I can truly say I love my job.
What I don’t love is the Bully Next Door.
For three years, I’ve walked on eggshells, tried to determine if it was a “good day” or a “bad day” for the bully, measured my actions and my words very carefully at all times. I nodded silently, mumbled “I’m sorry” and “I understand” more times than I can count. All to keep the bully happy and appeased. But as with most bullies, and with most irrational people in general, keeping the bully happy is actually in impossible task. You can’t keep the bully happy. Their goal is to berate, belittle, and push around anyone they possibly can. They are so unhappy with themselves that they can’t live any other way.
I was bullied as a child. Many children are bullied. I was bullied as a fourth grader for my name, which sounded vaguely similar to a cleaning product that was on the market at the time. I was bullied as a middle schooler for being 13 and having boobs. I was bullied in high school because I was the fat girl. My usual defense was to be as invisible as possible, not react, to just let it slide. Turn the other cheek, ignore it, all of those wonderful things you are taught by your parents. In all those years, I was only involved in one fight. My dad had told me that I could never hit; unless they hit me first, THEN I had full permission to hit back. I bided my time. The bully shoved me. I took a swat at her face and drew blood. I didn’t stop until someone pulled me off of her. I got suspended, and so did she. But that particular bully never messed with me again.
I probably didn’t learn a lesson from that, or I’d not be where I am right now. The fact is, if I had a spouse who treated me the way this bully does, I’d have left him in a heartbeat. If I wouldn’t accept this in my home, why would I accept this in a place I spent a third of my life? But still, I kept silent, nodded my way through her outbursts, and avoided conflict. I have immense patience about certain things — this is one of those things. I weigh risk and reward, risk and outcome. My silence and appearance of acquiescence was because the return on the risk was negative.
That is, until she hit me on Monday. Oh it was not a physical, literal hit, as we are all adults now and there are much more sophisticated ways to bully when you’re an adult. But it was a hit nonetheless. When her bullying was about me saying the wrong thing, or, in her opinion, me overstepping my place in her warped hierarchy, I could nod or mumble an apology and just let it go. But this time, it was personal. She took it to a personal level. It wasn’t just “we don’t say ___.” It was angry words, an angry tone, said while leaning over me as I sat at my desk, and included a personal insult hurled at me with deep-throated anger. Direct hit.
The line was crossed. And once that line was crossed, my only recourse is to fight back. Since I’m not in the fifth grade anymore, my fighting back takes a very calculated, risk-assessed course. I involved my supervisor, and as she is already aware there is a problem (a bully never has just ONE victim) she was not surprised. She took it to our department director, her boss. The bully was talked to that day, in a casual, “let’s see if we can nip this in the bud” way. But I had already moved on from there. I met with our campus ombudsman, to be sure I was not violating policy, and worked out three things I needed to say to the bully:
“Your words to me were inappropriate and unprofessional,” “I will not tolerate being talked to like that again,” and “If you have a problem with my behavior or something I have said or done, please take it up with my supervisor or our department director.”
The ombudsman asked me what kind of reaction I was expecting, and praised me for offering an “expectation” in my statements. I said one of two things would happen: either the bully would react with defensiveness and not let me speak, or she would burst into an emotional response. She had used both techniques in the past when she’d been called on for her belligerence. It was really a crapshoot as to which one I would see. You know, that whole “good day” or “bad day” thing. But I left the ombud office ready to take on the dragon. It was time.
As a person who doesn’t much care for conflict, and avoids it whenever she can, overcoming my “flight” nature in order to fight was going to be difficult. For whatever reason, on Tuesday she avoided me. She also had a second, then a third meeting with my boss and the department director. On Wednesday (today), she acted like everything was hunky-dory, that we were good, that we were “pals.” She even joined our department for lunch with the new guy who was just hired, something she NEVER does. She made a point of having conversation with me, smiling, laughing, as if we were the best of friends. I’d seen the behavior before. She wasn’t fooling me. She wasn’t fooling too many people around the table. Before I left for the day, I stood in her office door, announced that I had something to say to her, and started my first sentence. I did not get to complete it before she started talking over me, justifying why she’d said what she’d said to me on Monday, and I thought, “she doesn’t get it.” She’s been talked to about it THREE times and she’s still just going on the defensive. I waited for her to take a breath and repeated my sentence, and kept talking until I’d said all three sentences. I then added that I was not in a position to discuss it, that I had said what I needed to say, and walked away. She was still talking.
And I guess I’ve been listening to it for so long from her that it didn’t occur to me that she never apologizes. She doesn’t even make excuses. She just reiterates that she is right. Every single time, she just repeats why she is superior, why she has a “right” to do what she did (whatever it is). She doesn’t get it. She really doesn’t get it. And suddenly, I saw what I should have seen all along. She is very much like my ex-husband. Oh, she has a bit more finesse, and a bit more education and has this technique of smiling and laughing to put you off guard so she can twist the knife a little harder before you feel the pain. She’s really good at it. And she has the ability to convince people that she is right, and everyone else is wrong.
In other words, I’ve been in this bad relationship before. And no matter what I say, it won’t matter to her, and it won’t change her behavior. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t take a stand. I most certainly need to take a stand, for my own well-being and personal safety. And because bullies need to be stood up to. And because, enough is simply enough.
Where will it go from here? Who knows. I will continue down the path the ombudsman has helped me lay out. I will continue to push for those in power to take appropriate (and swift) reaction. I will reiterate as often as I need to that I do not need or want an apology. I want the problem solved. And I have the voice to make sure it gets solved, whether it is through the management structure in my own office, or through a much more complicated path of grievance through the human resources department. I could make it all go away by finding another job and moving on, but I love my job, and I want to keep it. I deserve to keep it. I am good at what I do, and I am where I belong.
Bully will have to be the one to move on. And I will stay the course and be sure things are resolved.
