This post is going to be whining.  Just thought I’d warn you up front.

I miss getting in my car and running to the store or wherever.  I miss being able to stand in the shower for ten minutes.  I miss being able to not think about going to the bathroom and just going whenever I want.  I miss being able to stand in the kitchen and cook a meal.  I miss being able to run away to my office when the noise is too great in the house.  I miss doing laundry, and being able to walk to my closet to get out whatever it is I want to wear.

I am just about three weeks into nearly seven and a half weeks of forced convalescence and dependence.  I’ve come a long way in these three weeks, but I still have a very long way to go.

I am confined to the first floor of the house, which, since it is an open concept designed house, means that I get to hear everything that goes on.  I get to live right in the middle of it.  Whatever is on TV, I get to hear and see.  I’m in the middle of every conversation.  I eat, sleep, work, and rest in the same place.  I can’t easily go outside because of stairs, and I can’t drive.  I can’t stand for very long because I have to balance myself on one leg while doing so.  I have a knee walker, a nice rolling device that allows me to move around a little quicker, but it doesn’t fit in our tiny tiny bathroom.  I still have to hop in there sideways with the walker.  I think about when I need to go to the bathroom now, because it is such an ordeal to do it. I’ve had to leave the grocery shopping to others, which means my budget is totally blown for the month. My baths are taken with no privacy and a sink full of water.

I guess I’m getting a good look at what it’s going to be like getting old.  My mobility is greatly impaired.  I have nightmares about falling and injuring my other leg and becoming even more immobile.  I feel my extra weight, which never bothered me before, as a ticking time bomb.  I can’t even reach the toes on the leg with the cast.  I have to rely on one of my daughters to put lotion on those cracked, bruised toes.  these are simple things.  Things I take for granted and do by myself whenever I want.  This has been one of the worst ordeals of my life.

I miss being able to just get in the car and go to work.  I have worked for so many years that to not work feels strange.  I am working at home and putting in almost as many hours as I would if I were going to the office, but it’s not the same, either.  I miss working with my students and student staff, miss interacting with the people in my office.  I miss seeing my mountains on my commute, watching as winter deepens and changes the landscape.  I miss taking pictures for my 365-Degree blog, which I’ve now had to put on hiatus.  I miss my bike rides, I miss my coffee shop and a large iced mocha whenever I want.

I am likely not to ever take these things for granted again.  It isn’t until we lose something that we knew what we had, right?

I will walk again.  I will ride my bike again.  I will drive my car again.  I will climb stairs again.  I will take a shower again.  I will fix family meals again.  I will clean house again, and do laundry.  I will retire to my office on those evenings when there’s too much noise in the rest of the house.  I will sleep in my own bed, and when I get up in the morning, walk across the room to the closet and get out what I want to wear.

27 more days until my cast comes off for good, if I heal properly.  I always told myself, if I knew there was an end to it, I could do anything.  I have 27 days.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 18th, 2013 at 8:20 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.