I haven’t blogged since April.  This is a sad commentary on where my mind and heart are right now.

2017 was quite a year.  I hope to never repeat one like it.  Ever again.  It’s been a year of daily tears, daily scares, daily feelings of discomfort.  And it isn’t all about politics, although I can honestly say some of my funk is from that.

For those that may not know, Klown and I separated (my choice, I’ll be clear about that) October 2016.  I had originally held out hope that therapy would help us fix our marriage, but he didn’t have that hope, I guess.  He moved on, fairly quickly, and in September of this year, moved back to Missouri.  Tater is suffering, and I am thankful I can afford to get her the therapy she needs.  In the meantime, I maintain a friendly relationship with Klown so as not to alienate her any further.  And I am working hard on myself, trying to figure out my new normal, and where I go from here.  There are days when it feels like all this happened last week, and days when it feels like it was years ago.  I am broken, and daily tears have become a fact of life for me.  So many reminders still exist to prick my heart – like the Mr. and Mrs. Claus ornament pictured above.  We were married for 18 years, and much of our persona is wrapped in our “couple-ness.” Without that, I feel empty and aimless.  One would wonder why I chose to separate, if this is how it makes me feel.  Those who know me well already know those reasons.  A couple cannot be a couple if both parties aren’t in it for the health of the relationship.

But I continue onward, because ultimately, I’m a survivor and being busy is the key to my mental health.  Tears be damned.

I grew a lot of vegetables this year, more than we could eat, which meant the neighbors benefited.  I had no major pests or issues, but planting season started late (June instead of May) and I didn’t get good production until August. This does not deter me.  Every gardeners’ motto is “There’s always next year.” My flower gardens suffered from the drought, and I hope the perennials will recover.  The shade garden did fine, fortunately.

My craft business is limping along.  It is my first year, and I know that it will take a while to find my niche and be profitable.  The things I thought would sell haven’t sold.  The things I did on a whim but thought wouldn’t sell, did sell.  I’m still expanding inventory, finding new things to try.  The craft business is pretty finicky.  I’ve not sold but three things on my Etsy store in a year, but I’ve sold lots at fairs. And some fairs were a complete bust.  More bust than not, actually.  I still continue to learn, and interact with local crafters, asking lots of questions, looking at what other people sell and figuring out where I fit.  It is hard work, which I expected.  The best fairs were the ones I did in the fall.  No real surprise there.  My best fair was in early November.  I will keep going for at least another year.

My day job is still what it is.  I’m annoyed by it about 75% of the time, but my students are great and this is how I keep focused and keep going.  8.5 years or less until retirement.  And as I get closer to that magic date, I start thinking about were I will go, what I will do.  I will have to return to Missouri, as the cost of living here is insane.  Also, I will need my family near me.  I don’t have the support system here that I have there.  As I age, my brothers and I get closer, not further apart.  When we were kids, we fought like dogs.  Now, we have so much in common, and so much care for each other.  It is a wonder to see.  This past year’s emotional upheaval has led me to be more introspective, but also a lot more homesick.  And I’ve never been homesick in my life.  But this is probably not a bad thing.  It forces me to make some definite choices in how I spend my remaining years in Colorado.  What haven’t I seen or done, that I need to see or do?

I was very blessed to be able to travel home twice this year, and to have family visit more than once.  My brother, his wife, and two of his grown kids were just here after Christmas, for some skiing and sight-seeing.  It was wonderful to have them, and I got to cook wonder foods and spend time with the people who are closest to me.  It doesn’t get much better than that.

I am hoping that the new year gives me a new turn of the page.  Less tears.  Less homesickness.  Less of all the things that have made this past year so hard.  I will heal.  Crafting, cooking, and work keep me busy and my mind occupied, but also brings me some measure of peace.  There is still a long road to go until I will be healed.  My focus has to be on Tater, on making sure both of us are safe and secure.  We are not suffering financially, for which I am exceedingly grateful. But our house feels strange, our routines feel strange, and especially the holiday felt strange.  They may feel strange for a long time to come.  But as long as we are moving forward, I will feel like we are getting there.  Wherever “there” is.

I wish everyone a successful New Year.  My best advice right now is to turn off the news and find something to do that brings you joy or peace or both. Blessings.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 31st, 2017 at 8:39 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.